At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
