im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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