I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
