don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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