There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
