Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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