so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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