He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize