The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
3pm strippers are depressing
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
