i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize
