You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Randomize
