i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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