i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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