I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Randomize
