there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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