So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
