i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
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