Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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