Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
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