I just pynch a tree in the face
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
