Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
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