i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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