I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
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