well you can't waste a boner
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
