you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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