I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
either way he was missing a nipple.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
