I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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