smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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