dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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