I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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