This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
