I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
