If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
