imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
