Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
My sheets look like a crime scene.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
