And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
