There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
