a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Randomize
