She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I am available for nakedness
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
