Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
