I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
