I am in a vortex of obligation.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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