I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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