If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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