Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize