Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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