Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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