The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize