Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
