I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
you didnt know i had herpes?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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