My hand turned me down
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
We were destined to go to rehab together
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
