I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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