I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
