i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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