Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
