end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
