Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
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