I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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