not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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