I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
The air taste purple.
Randomize
