i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Who died my cat blue again?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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