she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
