What did we do last night that was yellow?
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
