My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I could make wine with my vomit
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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