Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Randomize
