he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
