I bet he comes in French.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Randomize
